I don’t even know where to begin.
Maybe start with the good thing?
They’re going great. They help me very well. I take 5 mg 3 times a day at the moment. Except when I’m on my period, because for some reason my body can’t handle it during that time, and I get a few awful side effects. Feeling jittery, heart palpitations, etc. During that time I take nothing or 2.5 mg. So, that’s all good. It really helps me feel less tired, get started in the morning. Well, most mornings. It’s hard to imagine it actually worked and helped, when I look back at the past 2 weeks. I remember the meds even giving me a better mood. But my mood has been so crappy due to other things, I’m about to write about now.
Our kitty Koetje (one of our 3 cats), had cancer. We knew this, and it was thankfully slow growing. But all of a sudden it got bad fast, and October 29th we had to say goodbye to her. It was heart breaking. We miss her like crazy every day, and I still get so upset and sad about it. I miss her so so so much. I’d give years of my life, if it meant she could come back… T_T
Well,… that’s a story all on itself, which started to spiral down fast, the day we had to say goodbye to Koetje…
Okay, I’ve been going back and forth if I should literally write down the entire story or not. I do want to express the seriousness of the whole situation, and yet I don’t want to get all worked up again, because it is infuriating!
I will try to keep it short and to the facts.
The day we were going to say goodbye to Koetje (which would be in the evening), I had an appointment with 2 therapists about the psycho-education for Autism. So obviously I would have prefered to stay at home, but thinking long term, and knowing how hard it is to reschedule with TWO people with a busy calender, I just thought I’d go quickly, and come back home fast.
So naturally this is the day, they forgot the time of my appointment, and kept me waiting 15 minutes in the waiting area for no fucking reason!!!!
So when I finally do come in, one of the therapists (my own, that I used to see weekly) got up and said that she had another appointment and left.
So, not only did I waste 15 minutes, now it turns out she just walked out of our appointment and I could have easily rescheduled, so I could’ve stayed at home with my kitty!! I wasted 90 minutes!!!!!! for no fucking reason at all.
I was furious, but they all seemed to think I was overreacting!
I wrote an angry message about it when I got home, to put it out there, so I could focus on Koetje, obviously. I mean, these were our very last precious hours together! 😦
The reply I got was useless and shitty, and they didn’t show any remorse at all.
Okay, so we fast-forward a week later. I’m in the waiting area and have an appointment with my psychiatrist for my meds. While waiting for him (12 minutes late by now), this therapist that walked out of the previous meeting comes up to me and greets me.
I have no idea why, because she knew I was angry with her. So, obviously, as my psychiatrist is late AGAIN, and she shows her dumb fucking face, I just freaked out. I get so mad for all the disrespect towards me. How they are always late, especially on that one important day. How they forgot my appointment and just shrug it off as if I’m overreacting, how she walked out of the appointment with me, how she made me miss 90 precious minutes with my baby! Dumb fucking cunt!!!!! ARGH!!!!
Very sorry about the swearing, but, seriously!!! I didn’t call her a cunt obviously. Although I should have…
So, she left me there, still not getting why I’m angry. Just Shrugging her shoulders, saying “it happens..”
Eventually my psychiatrist finally shows his face because I had a receptionist knock on his door. He was 30 minutes late by now. THIRTY!!!!! He also had forgotten at what time my appointment was. So I really freaked out! At that point he was all : shame shame, guilty guilty. And my anger was understandable, etc.
So, fast forward again. I get a call to meet up with the 2 of them, to sort things out. Because Miss Cunt was going to do the psycho-education on Autism (which started yesterday), and we’d might need to clear the air.
My husband arranged time off from work and came with me, and I am sooooo glad he did. Because sadly I have no witness for all the other fucking crap they pulled on me. They were ALWAYS late. My psychiatrist was always 15 minutes late. My therapist made rude little insults.
But now I had a witness. Someone who saw how they turned the tables on me, and made it all about me, and placing blame at my feet, and my psychiatrist literally got angry at me. Yelling, pointing, saying I had no manners. And a few minutes after accusing me of having no manners, he turned in his chair, with his back towards us and his arms folded.
I kid you not….
This whole meeting went totally out of control.
(Let me just remind you that these are mental-health care “professionals”, and I have officially diagnosed problems, and this is how they are to me…).
And here’s where I’m really going to cut things short. I quit therapy. End of story.
I told them after this meeting, via email, to move the medication care to my own doctor, and be done with it.
Over the entire weekend I have been feeling nauseous, and stressed, and all sorts of crappy. So yesterday I was just so pissed off, I wrote them another angry email. Pointing out all the fucking crap they did to me, and that this isn’t the way how you treat patients!
The only lame-ass reply I got, was that “they were still willing to talk to me, and the door was still open”. *rolls eyes*
Well you better close that damn door before I fling my waste your way!!! Or a fucking brick! Motherfucking assholes!
Sorry, really. But God! They make me soooo Furious.
That’s kinda why I didn’t want to get into it too much.. I really should change the subject, because I can feel every muscle in my body tense up, and I’m already in a lot of pain in my shoulders / neck.
Now what :
Yeah, that was kind of the question I’ve been asking myself all weekend.
So, thankfully I had this plan that I started to put into action last week, which is :
I started doing yoga. I’m not really feeling it yet. Especially not with this chaos going on *rolls eyes* But I try to do it 3 times a week, for about 15 tot 20 minutes, and just for beginners. All very mellow.
And on top of it, I try to meditate 2 to 3 times a day for about 10 minutes.
During the day I try to be more mindful.
And after watching the show “Consumed” on Netflix, I am totally into decluttering again. Maybe even more than ever. I already got rid of some things I was very much emotionally attached to. But I took pictures, gave it a hug, and said goodbye.
I think I finally figured out that this might be what I needed all along.
I grind my teeth and clench my jaws, and got some jaw problems. And I’d really like to get rid of those issues. Then there is the physio therapy, which is also because I get tense, and stressed. I want to get rid of physio therapy as well.
And what is causing me the most day to day stress? Clutter! Due to the clutter, I can’t clean properly. It would be a thousand times easier and quicker, if it wasn’t a huge mess all the time.
So what do I need to do to find more peace and quiet? To feel more relaxed?
I need to declutter! So it’s easier to clean. So I have more free time to do other fun things, and not feel guilty about the clutter, or about not cleaning. So I’m less tense. So I sleep better during the night, and can handle things during the day better. So no more physio therapy either!
And I got my pills to get me moving and actually do all that decluttering! HAH!
So it’s just a theory. But as I’m a big believer of the Law of Attraction, I really like to give it my all and believe this will help me sort things out 🙂
Decluttered so far :
So I started last week, and this has gone so far :
1 wig, a bag from my teenage years, a pair of boots, 6 pairs of socks, 1 sweater, 5 pieces of old bed sheets, 33 cosmopolitans (the magazine, just to be clear. Not the drink. That would be weird to get rid of. Plus I’m a teetotaler. So I don’t want people thinking I drink. Beccause I don’t. LOL. Okay, moving on!), 34 books, 1 dvd, 6 wreaths, 2 bags of small pinecones (decoration, craft stuff), 3 rolls of ribbon, 5 more bags of craft stuff, 1 pet carrier, 1 box of feathers (crafts… yeah, I got a lot of that going on xD), 1 warm water bottle, and a pair of sneakers.
That’s it so far, in the past week. Everything that was still decent is donated, or given away. And the other things are recycled.
Okay, so.. I think this post is long enough for now. And I do need to get to bed eventually some time today 😉
I am very sorry about the swearing. But so far I have only found people who agreed with me on the ridiculousness of the situation, and people get angry with me. So I think it’ll be alright 🙂
Thanks for reading my story. And I’ll catch up with you all soon. Bye ❤
This post is in loving memory of our baby ❤ we miss you princess…