A new year, a new start

Just what I needed; a new start!

So I don’t think I’ll talk about Christmas, the holidays, December. I’ll leave that in the past, in 2018.
I’m moving on to 2019.
Sadly it’s not the best start of the year. January has been very gray, very wet, and I’ve mostly felt exhausted and depressed.
Like I said, not a great start… BUT, I do try to look at the positive things going on.
Firstly there is 1 thing I’d like to do / say about last year.

2018 sum up :

Books read : 19 (truth be told, most were audiobooks)
Craft projects finished : 27 (ranging from a cupcake keychain to an adult blanket)
Skeins bought : 47
Skeins used : 30
Skeins dyed : 1
Letters written : 21
Letters received : 21

2019 sum up January 17th :

Books read : 0
Craft projects finished : 2
Skeins bought : 0
Skeins used : 4
Skeins dyed : 3
Letters written : 2
Letters received : 0

2019 Goals :

Books read : Minimum of 15 (and actual books)
Craft projects finished : 25
Skeins bought : 0
Skeins used : Minimum of 25
Skeins dyed : From the top of my head, I still have 4 skeins to dye in storage
Letters written : Don’t know. 40 maybe? Didn’t set an actual goal for this.
Letters received : Also 40?

So as you can see by the sum up for this year so far, it’s not going all that bad. Already used quite a few skeins, resisted buying any new ones, written 2 letters and dyed some yarn. I used Avocado’s this time, and coffee! The colours we’re so lovely! I will post a picture of it at the bottom of my post.
Other great things are : I’m up to date with my bullet journal (including February), I declutterd over 200+ items at the end of the year and the attic is starting to look so much better, and since this week I’m getting back in my routine (FINALLY!).
But sadly I still feel so crappy… I try to stay positive, do the things I have to. I even give in on the really bad days, when I’m too tired to get out of bed at all. Eventually I do get up on those days. Wash up, get dressed, but just stay on the couch, and do things I enjoy.
But it’s still like there’s a spark missing.
And speaking of missing, I still miss Koetje every day. I’d give so much, just to have her back with us 😦
Anyway,… Not much else to say on this matter I’m afraid.. I feel crappy, and that’s that *shrugs*

Other things that are going on is, that I try to live a bit more healthy again. When I feel like I do lately, I eat a ton of junkfood crap. Which doesn’t do me much good on any fronts. So since yesterday I traded the junkfood snacks for water, apples, and peanuts. (and of course my 3 main meals).
And I’m doing a squat challenge in January. The date times 2 is the number of squats I’m doing. So far I’m keeping it up, until day 12 and 13 (24 and 26 squats). They were in the weekend, and my legs were starting to feel pretty sore. I had been doing squats for 11 days straight, and I know how important rest days are. So I had a 2 day break. Today I’m on 34 squats (which I’ll do in 2 sets). But in the weekend I think I’ll take at least a 1 day break again, maybe 2. The days I don’t get to, I’ll do in February.

“Therapy” :

Now that I’m therapy’less again, I aimed to meditate 1 – 3 times a day. This still seems challenging. With a busy brain like my own, it’s hard to find the time to stop and sit down, and to take a moment to quiet the mind a little. A lot of the times I’m so distracted and busy, I don’t even remember to do it.  Or sometimes I do remember, for a few days, and then I don’t again. My current streak stands on 3 days now. So I should really try and get around to it again today, for my day 4!
Yoga really fell of the list, sadly. And just this week I thought I should really try to pick that up again. So last monday was my first time for this year, and I want to try to do it again every thursday or friday (so twice a week).
I suffer from a lot of jaw pain (clenching, grinding, etc), and trying to calm my mind, should also have effects on my sleep, and therefore my jaw(-activity).
These have been stressfull times, and I really can’t wait to leave them behind me.
The Habitica app has really been my savior in this, to keep some sort of routine in my life. Forming new habits, letting go of old ones.

Reading :

So, last but not least, I’d like to talk about a book challenge I came up with on Habitica.
I saw several challenges on there, but none that could interest me. And most of them were too challenging for me to begin with. Like, reading 50 or more books in a year. That’s not gonna happen 0_o
So I made up my own, and made it public. I promoted it a bit in a few guilds, and thought I’d maybe get like 20 people to join? 30 if I was lucky.
So last time I checked this morning, I’m up to 325 people (including me) who are doing this reading challenge! :-O wow. I never expected that to happen. For some reason that does make me feel a bit special. That so many people, out of all the challenges, joined my challenge. That’s so awesome!
I shall share the challenge here as well :

• A classic you’ve been meaning to read
• A book recommended by someone you know
• A book with a cover in your favourite colour
• A book based on a real person
• A book you borrowed or that was given to you as a gift
• A book you meant to read in 2018, but didn’t get to
• A true crime book (If this really isn’t your thing, you can swap it for a Detective novel, A Thriller, a Spy novel, something along those lines).
• A book of your choice
• A book about a bookstore or library
• A book by a favourite author
• A book written before 1900
• A childhood favourite
• A book about an animal
• A book with a topic you’re passionate about
• A book about a culture different than your own

These are “the books” I’ll be reading this year.
But firstly I still have to finish a book I’m currently reading about Autism in adults. I’m half way and really hope to get it finished this week, so I can start on my reading challenge. Fifteen books is going to be a challenge on itself for me. Because I usually read about 12. One a month. My first book for the challenge is : “I’ve got your number!” by Sophie Kinsella. I’ve read it only once, when it just came out in 2012. And I remember laughing a lot and loving the book. So I thought it would be a perfect reread to start the year with. It’s the book for the topic “book by a favourite author”.

And with that, I’m wrapping up. Below you find 2 pictures. One of the skeins I dyed with avocado’s and coffee (LOVE the outcome!). And the second picture is of the 2 projects I already finished this year. I’m currently working on scarves, hats, baby booties and blankets for charity (the poor and / or homeless).

Thanks for reading my blog. (Hope I didn’t bore everyone to death 😉 ) And hopefully till next time! Take care ❤

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Why can life never be easy going?

I don’t even know where to begin.
Maybe start with the good thing?

Meds :

They’re going great. They help me very well. I take 5 mg 3 times a day at the moment. Except when I’m on my period, because for some reason my body can’t handle it during that time, and I get a few awful side effects. Feeling jittery, heart palpitations, etc. During that time I take nothing or 2.5 mg. So, that’s all good. It really helps me feel less tired, get started in the morning. Well, most mornings. It’s hard to imagine it actually worked and helped, when I look back at the past 2 weeks. I remember the meds even giving me a better mood. But my mood has been so crappy due to other things, I’m about to write about now.

Koetje :

Our kitty Koetje (one of our 3 cats), had cancer. We knew this, and it was thankfully slow growing. But all of a sudden it got bad fast, and October 29th we had to say goodbye to her. It was heart breaking. We miss her like crazy every day, and I still get so upset and sad about it. I miss her so so so much. I’d give years of my life, if it meant she could come back… T_T

Therapy :

Well,… that’s a story all on itself, which started to spiral down fast, the day we had to say goodbye to Koetje…
Okay, I’ve been going back and forth if I should literally write down the entire story or not. I do want to express the seriousness of the whole situation, and yet I don’t want to get all worked up again, because it is infuriating!
I will try to keep it short and to the facts.
The day we were going to say goodbye to Koetje (which would be in the evening), I had an appointment with 2 therapists about the psycho-education for Autism. So obviously I would have prefered to stay at home, but thinking long term, and knowing how hard it is to reschedule with TWO people with a busy calender, I just thought I’d go quickly, and come back home fast.
So naturally this is the day, they forgot the time of my appointment, and kept me waiting 15 minutes in the waiting area for no fucking reason!!!!
So when I finally do come in, one of the therapists (my own, that I used to see weekly) got up and said that she had another appointment and left.
So, not only did I waste 15 minutes, now it turns out she just walked out of our appointment and I could have easily rescheduled, so I could’ve stayed at home with my kitty!! I wasted 90 minutes!!!!!! for no fucking reason at all.
I was furious, but they all seemed to think I was overreacting!
I wrote an angry message about it when I got home, to put it out there, so I could focus on Koetje, obviously. I mean, these were our very last precious hours together! 😦
The reply I got was useless and shitty, and they didn’t show any remorse at all.

Okay, so we fast-forward a week later. I’m in the waiting area and have an appointment with my psychiatrist for my meds. While waiting for him (12 minutes late by now), this therapist that walked out of the previous meeting comes up to me and greets me.
I have no idea why, because she knew I was angry with her. So, obviously, as my psychiatrist is late AGAIN, and she shows her dumb fucking face, I just freaked out. I get so mad for all the disrespect towards me. How they are always late, especially on that one important day. How they forgot my appointment and just shrug it off as if I’m overreacting, how she walked out of the appointment with me, how she made me miss 90 precious minutes with my baby! Dumb fucking cunt!!!!! ARGH!!!!
Very sorry about the swearing, but, seriously!!! I didn’t call her a cunt obviously. Although I should have…
So, she left me there, still not getting why I’m angry. Just Shrugging her shoulders, saying “it happens..”
Eventually my psychiatrist finally shows his face because I had a receptionist knock on his door. He was 30 minutes late by now. THIRTY!!!!! He also had forgotten at what time my appointment was. So I really freaked out! At that point he was all : shame shame, guilty guilty. And my anger was understandable, etc.

So, fast forward again. I get a call to meet up with the 2 of them, to sort things out. Because Miss Cunt was going to do the psycho-education on Autism (which started yesterday), and we’d might need to clear the air.
My husband arranged time off from work and came with me, and I am sooooo glad he did. Because sadly I have no witness for all the other fucking crap they pulled on me. They were ALWAYS late. My psychiatrist was always 15 minutes late. My therapist made rude little insults.
But now I had a witness. Someone who saw how they turned the tables on me, and made it all about me, and placing blame at my feet, and my psychiatrist literally got angry at me. Yelling, pointing, saying I had no manners. And a few minutes after accusing me of having no manners, he turned in his chair, with his back towards us and his arms folded.
I kid you not….
This whole meeting went totally out of control.
(Let me just remind you that these are mental-health care “professionals”, and I have officially diagnosed problems, and this is how they are to me…).

And here’s where I’m really going to cut things short. I quit therapy. End of story.
I told them after this meeting, via email, to move the medication care to my own doctor, and be done with it.
Over the entire weekend I have been feeling nauseous, and stressed, and all sorts of crappy. So yesterday I was just so pissed off, I wrote them another angry email. Pointing out all the fucking crap they did to me, and that this isn’t the way how you treat patients!
The only lame-ass reply I got, was that “they were still willing to talk to me, and the door was still open”.  *rolls eyes*
Well you better close that damn door before I fling my waste your way!!! Or a fucking brick! Motherfucking assholes!

Sorry, really. But God! They make me soooo Furious.
That’s kinda why I didn’t want to get into it too much.. I really should change the subject, because I can feel every muscle in my body tense up, and I’m already in a lot of pain in my shoulders / neck.

Now what :

Yeah, that was kind of the question I’ve been asking myself all weekend.
So, thankfully I had this plan that I started to put into action last week, which is :
I started doing yoga. I’m not really feeling it yet. Especially not with this chaos going on *rolls eyes* But I try to do it 3 times a week, for about 15 tot 20 minutes, and just for beginners. All very mellow.
And on top of it, I try to meditate 2 to 3 times a day for about 10 minutes.
During the day I try to be more mindful.
And after watching the show “Consumed” on Netflix, I am totally into decluttering again. Maybe even more than ever. I already got rid of some things I was very much emotionally attached to. But I took pictures, gave it a hug, and said goodbye.
I think I finally figured out that this might be what I needed all along.
I grind my teeth and clench my jaws, and got some jaw problems. And I’d really like to get rid of those issues. Then there is the physio therapy, which is also because I get tense, and stressed. I want to get rid of physio therapy as well.
And what is causing me the most day to day stress? Clutter! Due to the clutter, I can’t clean properly. It would be a thousand times easier and quicker, if it wasn’t a huge mess all the time.
So what do I need to do to find more peace and quiet? To feel more relaxed?
I need to declutter! So it’s easier to clean. So I have more free time to do other fun things, and not feel guilty about the clutter, or about not cleaning. So I’m less tense. So I sleep better during the night, and can handle things during the day better. So no more physio therapy either!
And I got my pills to get me moving and actually do all that decluttering! HAH!

So it’s just a theory. But as I’m a big believer of the Law of Attraction, I really like to give it my all and believe this will help me sort things out 🙂

Decluttered so far :

So I started last week, and this has gone so far :
1 wig, a bag from my teenage years, a pair of boots, 6 pairs of socks, 1 sweater, 5 pieces of old bed sheets, 33 cosmopolitans (the magazine, just to be clear. Not the drink. That would be weird to get rid of. Plus I’m a teetotaler. So I don’t want people thinking I drink. Beccause I don’t. LOL. Okay, moving on!), 34 books, 1 dvd, 6 wreaths, 2 bags of small pinecones (decoration, craft stuff), 3 rolls of ribbon, 5 more bags of craft stuff, 1 pet carrier, 1 box of feathers (crafts… yeah, I got a lot of that going on xD), 1 warm water bottle, and a pair of sneakers.

That’s it so far, in the past week. Everything that was still decent is donated, or given away. And the other things are recycled.

Okay, so.. I think this post is long enough for now. And I do need to get to bed eventually some time today 😉
I am very sorry about the swearing. But so far I have only found people who agreed with me on the ridiculousness of the situation, and people get angry with me. So I think it’ll be alright 🙂

Thanks for reading my story. And I’ll catch up with you all soon. Bye ❤

This post is in loving memory of our baby ❤ we miss you princess…

What a day

I’m not even going to begin writing all of that down. But let me tell you this : Ordering on a UK website from the Netherlands, ain’t no easy feat. Pffff.. But the long story short : My Dutch friend who lived there for years, let me order it on her boyfriend’s address there, and paid with her UK bank account. And after many hours, lots of waiting and frustration, it finally worked out. The dvds will be delivered at his place, and eventually will come my way.
But it was one hell of a ride to get there! 0_O

Anyway!

Therapy :

Useless as ever. Even belittling at times. When I mentioned I added a new thing to my routine, because I’d be up so early every day (even in the weekends) due to the meds, we could go hiking early on Saturday morning, she went all like : “Well! You see there? You came up with that all by yourself! You don’t even need me”. Yeah… She really did.
Geeeeezzz. I’ve had TEN YEARS of therapy in my life! TEN! And I read just about every self-help book that is out there in the world. Plus I’ve managed to get this far my whole life, trying everything I could think of. AND on top of that, Planning was never the issue! It’s the execution of the plan, that’s the issue! AND : I”M NOT STUPID! Why would I not be able to think of something like that on my own to begin with!??!?!?!?!?!!?!?
ARGH. Don’t even get me started. It was so belittling.
She also cut through my stories like 10 times. Would you mind letting me finish a sentence?!
If she does that again, I will definitely tell her to shut it and let me talk.
She kept going ahead of my story. I like to tell it in order, the way it happened. But she wants to know the outcome straight away.
She also dared say, when mentioning what we discussed last time, “The tips and ideas WE came up with”, for me to try to get moving, to do my tasks. WE! They were all my tried ideas! She had Nothing!! No advise or tips for me at all!!!

Really had no idea how mad it all made me, until now, when typing it down. She, and the whole uselessness of it all, annoys the hell outta me..!
Anyway, moving on..

Medication :

Not much to tell. Which I find good! *thumbs up* I started yesterday, with the lowest of the lowest dose. And I’m not even sure that what I felt (as side effects) was real, or my imagination. It wasn’t enough to mention now. Sadly I don’t feel any positive effects yet either. But Friday I will talk to my psychiatrist, and he will probably tell me to up the dose this weekend. So, curious to see what that’ll do!

Crafting :

Not a whole lot of that going around. I did finish my triangular shawl. I will post a picture at the bottom. Along with some Bullet journal pics I hadn’t shared yet.

Other than that, I’ve just been busy with 10,000 other things. Around the house, appointments, having my friend over, and I had a birthday Sunday. From my sister in law, who lives a 1 hour train ride away from us (and 1 hour back). Needed to buy presents on Saturday for her. And on Sunday, after the Birthday, we went into the city and did some more shopping. And as if I hadn’t spent enough money just yet, I ordered all those dvds today! *omg* xD

Remainder of the week :

Nothing planned so far. I did join a mystery shopper website. So I hope I get to do some Mystery Shopping. I also have to go to the vet and buy some more meds for our ill kitty.
And beside all that, only chores, that walk I mentioned on Saturday morning, and HOPEFULLY I finally find some time to do some more crafting.
Really need to finish October in my bullet journal. And I set up a “sock” in the same yarn as my shawl. It’s not specific sock yarn, and I plan on only wearing them inside the house, while watching dvds on the couch ^_^

As upset as I might be about the therapy thing, and as wired & chaotic about the UK order thing, I’m actually in a pretty good mood. So, either these meds do work a little, or they are the world’s best placebo! ;-D lol

So to end this post, here are some pictures I’d like to share with you.
Thanks for reading, and take care ❤

My shawl :

Bullet journal :

I don’t believe I’ve shown this yet. The skirt I dyed with coffee! 😀

And last, but not least : a while back I already finished my reading challenge for this year! I hadn’t set the goal too high. A book a month. But because I was unable to focus on my reading, I started paying for storytel again and listen to it while knitting. And that definitely made things speed along xD

And on that note, I wish you all a very pleasant evening and a good night ^_^

Back from our holiday

So last week on Monday (the 3rd) we came back home from our trip to Belfast, Northern Ireland. We came home super late, after midnight. The trip had tired me so much, I didn’t do much for days, apart from my appointments (with my psychiatrist and physio therapist). Then on Friday I finally had some energy, and I FINALLY rearranged all the furniture in the living (I’ve been wanting to for Weeks!). But also gave everything a thorough cleaning. This was so exhausting again, that I’ve been tired again ever since… *rolls eyes*

Belfast :

Well,.. I don’t enjoy talking about it much, because it was a bit of a let down for me.
I expected the traveling to be exhausting and stressful, which it was. But I had plans for Belfast, which immediately on day one, were cancelled. It turned out the Primark had caught fire the day before (which was located in a gorgeous old building, dating back to the 1800s I believe), and it burned down almost completely. The firemen were still working hard when we arrived the day later. Now it might be a bit silly, and of course it’s just a shop, but I was disappointed. What was even worse, is that my livelihood depended on McDonalds there, which was closed, because it was too close to the building, which could collapse and was in the danger-zone… A whole new set of worries just there. What was I going to eat!
And it just went on like that for a while. Disappointment on top of disappointment.
We also had some fun of course. Lots of sightseeing, shopping and a beautiful daytrip along the coast to Giant’s Causeway.
My husband enojyed it all very much. It was his very first holiday abroad ever, flying on a plane, etc. Although don’t get me started on that flight. I’ve flown for 5 holidays before, back and forth. And none of those flights were as bad as these two. Especially the trip home was a lot of turbulance. It was my poor husband’s first time, like I said. And I am no fan of flying. But he doesn’t want to fly any time soon ever again.
But other than the flight, he really did enjoy the holiday and trips I had set out for us to do.
Sadly also this was a bit of a disappointment for me. Several reasons, but the biggest was, that we had to cancel quite a few day trips I had planned, due to lack of energy on my part. I just get so tired, so fast. I hardly had the energy to get out of bed, or walk into the city centre. Let alone another busride for 2 hours up to Derry, and 2 hours back. Or to walk though 2 museums on 1 day.
So, Sadly we didn’t go to Derry, or Ulster Museum, or Titanic Belfast (Museum).
We did take the hop on hop off bus tour. We saw Botanic Gardens, Queen’s University, A lot of Belfast city centre, many shops 😉 and we went to St. George’s market twice, which is an indoor market. (St George’s Market is one of Belfast’s oldest attractions. It was built between 1890 and 1896 and is one of the best markets in the UK and Ireland.) They have food, live music, candy, crafts, and lots more.
And we did that Coastal bustour I mentioned earlier, that took from 9:15 in the morning til 19:30 in the evening. That was a loooooong day, haha.
Okay enough about Belfast.

Therapy :

I’ve had an appointment with my psychiatrist again. Long story short, if my ECG turned out well, I can start with Ritalin (ADHD meds).
The ECG was a bit of a hassle. All worked out fine, and I was set to start yesterday with my meds, if it weren’t for the bad ECG. Somehow they messed it up when taking it. I think because I came from somewhere else by foot, and could walk straight in and lay down. My heart must have been beating fast, I was all sweaty, and she asked me questions during the ECG! So that had to be done over yesterday. Today I got the results and it turns out my heartbeat is perfect! I used to have an irregular heartbeat and heartpalpitations. But not anymore. So I can safely start my medication on Monday! Hooray! I’m nervous and excited. I hope they will help me, and solve my (life long) problems. Fingers crossed! It would be so great.
Theory is : It should calm me / my brain down. And activate parts of my brain that aren’t fully functioning at the moment (or maybe not at all). Such as a filter. People usually filter all the things they see, and hear around them. Things they smell, and taste, etc. But My brain doesn’t do that properly. I notice everything, and my brain thinks it needs to process all that information and store it somewhere. So my brain is on a constant overload of stimulation. Hence : Feeling dead tired all the time.
On top of that, due to my Autism (And maybe also ADHD?) it takes longer for me to process things. I have to think a bit longer. I struggle with choices. Thinking of what to eat this week can seriously hurt my brain. (Hence once more : soooo tired).
Anyway. If the meds work as they should, they should calm my brain and put the filter in action, helping my brain to NOT absorb so much information. I should be able to focus on the times at the bus stop, and not register that the man standing beside me has lose shoe laces, an unbuttoned button on his shirt, smells of soup, and has a lose hair clinging to his shoulder, and that the lady across the street, walksby in clicking heels and is calling her dog by it’s name, which I will remember for at least a week later. (To give a very idiotic example).
It will also help me focus on a task at hand, and hopefully not cleaning everywhere in the house, or start 10 new projects at once.
So. Thumbs up for the meds! Please keep your fingers crossed for me, and hope that they work. Because it could result in some more energy in the long run, which would be soooooo nice.

Knitting / Crafts :

Not much going on at the moment I’m afraid. Been too tired to even do that. Or too busy! 😦
I hope that after today, I will finally find some time (and energy) again to work on some projects for a longer period of time (Instead of 4 rows, and having to put it away again).

That’s it for now. I hope you enjoyed my ramble of a post. Thanks very much for reading! I hope to catch up with all of your blogs tonight!
Right now I have to get ready for my nephew’s birthday. (Anyone got a can of energy laying around that I can borrow?)
Take care dear readers ❤

I’m still here

Absence :

I’ve been meaning to write for weeks. But my biggest problem has been energy. Or to be more precise, LACK of energy.
I’ve just been so very tired, all the time. Tired doesn’t even begin to cover it really,…
I’ve been waiting for an energy boost after a good night sleep, or after a day off, just relaxing on the couch. But it doesn’t help.
Of course after a good night sleep I do feel a bit better, and less tired. But still not energetic enough to tackle all my chores for example.
The hot weather for so long, the preparing for my husband’s birthday, the birthday itself, it left me drained. The actual birthday was just the breaking point I think. Wether I wanted to or not, I now had to listen to my body. I wasn’t able to get anything done for 3 days. Even knitting was too much, and I hardly got anything done. I was glad if I got 2 rows finished in an hour (we’re talking 90 stitches per row maybe?).

The lack of energy can really piss me off at times. It makes me feel angry and frustrated. But obviously not too long or too intense, because that would cost way too much energy *heavy sigh and eye roll*

This is a bit of a complain post, because everyone deserves to complain every once in a while. And I’m done feeling this way.
I look around at things in the house that need to be done. But don’t even have the energy to get up and walk up to it, let alone bring things to the attic, or clean them, or whatever.

I feel like 34 going on 80! And it makes me sad too. I want to do so much. I want a clean house, I want a neat house, so that it’s nice and cozy. I want to make fun day trips!
But now I’m just glad if I can make it through the day without laying down and / or falling asleep.

Anyway.. Not much to do about it now. After our trip to Belfast I will hopefully get medication. And I pray pray praaaayyy that they work really well! That I don’t suffer from horrid side-effects (like always) and that it gives me tons of energy and focus. More peace of mind, and SLEEP! Yes. I know I’m greedy, but I want it all! The whole package.

But like I said, first there is our holiday. I really do look forward to it. It’ll be great to go back for the 5th time, and showing my husband around. I know the way quite well by now, so that helps ^^ And yet I always discover something new, every time I go.
This time I hope to discover craft / yarn stores 😉

Knitting :

I finished my winterset, of the cowl/scarf, the hat (which has a pompom now) and the mittens. I was able to return 1 skein of yarn, so that’s good!
I picked up my rainbowy shawl project for the past week and a half. It’s nearing the end. I’m at about 60 stitches, and need to decrease till there are 3. (decrease every other row). So that’s really nice 🙂

I also dyed some cotton yarn in coffee as a test. And a skirt, which turned out Lovely. I will share pictures some other time, because even downloading and uploading those is just too much hassle.
I plan on dyeing yarn later this year, so I hope to find some not-dyed yarn inBelfast. If not, I will ask some for my birthday and / or christmas. (or buy some myself, haha). And I want to dye it with all sorts of things. I found purple flowers, and I have pinecones. We got some blueberries that were too mushy to eat and I kept those too. (It’s all in the freezer, haha). My husband also saved up his tangerine and orange peels. And I feel like there was something else. But I’m not sure, I can’t remember.
My friend is saving up her avocado peels & pits and onion peels as well. So I will have loads of fun projects for later this year. And obviously afterwards I will be able to use the dyed yarn to knit and crochet lovely projects!
Probably mostly knitting. Because I’m really on a knitting spree. I really prefer this at the moment. But who knows. These things can change so fast 🙂

Friendship :

I’ve got some news on this front as well. I’ve spoken to a few ladies, and the experience is mixed. I do notice that conversation is a bit of a struggle. But not only because of me. I notice that a lot of people respond very little at times, or in away that leaves me nothing to work with. It feels like a dead end conversation for me. So I don’t know if it’s only me that struggles with that, or that other people find it difficult too and don’t know what to do when that happens?! 🙂
But, after 2 ladies went, 1 stayed and another one replied to my message as well. And it’s the latter that seems most promising. She has mental health issues too. And even though it may seem weird, with those people it is most often easiest to bond. You’re in the same place, where you both have your problems and quirks. And another big thing, you’re both home, a lot! People that have a 40 hour job, usually just lead a very different life from me.
But anyway, that latest girl seems very nice. We had a few great chats on whatsapp. And we plan to meet up after I return from our holiday.
So, yep, very cool! I’m very excited about it. I like the idea that there are potential friends out there. It gives me hope 🙂

Okay and now I’m going to end this post. It’s long enough. And even though I wrote a lot, I don’t feel particularly eloquent ;-D
Thanks for taking the time to read my post, and I hope to catch up with you all again soon! Bye ❤

ON TIME!

No waaaaayy! It happened! I am supposed to write on Tuesdays, and it’s Tuesday ,and I’m writing! Wow! Call the newspaper! :O

Okay, enough nonsense 😉

Therapy :

Weeelllll…. That didn’t go as well as I’d like. Given, my psychologist told me up front she wasn’t feeling too well, and that she was in bed the day before with fever. (She better not infect me! Grrrr). But she wanted to plan my tasks that need doing before my husband’s birthday. But she did that so chaotically, it really freaked me out. I wrote it all down in pencil, and will erase it once I get to working on my bullet journal again. I will plan it myself, and better than her 😉
She is just unnerved by my bullet journal. She isn’t familiar with the concept, and keeps asking me if I’m comfortable working with “this system”. (maybe next time I should ask her if she’s comfortable with it, or would like to talk about it. LOL). She advises everyone to keep 1 agenda, and to have not too many lists or little pieces of paper, etc. Well, I might be mistaken, but the way I heard it, the bullet journal was a Perfect concept for people with ADHD, Because you keep everything in ONE book?!
There is a year planner, a month planner, and I write down the weeks in seperate days (but on 1 page). Plus I got all my lists of things I’d like to keep track of (Incoming / outgoing snailmail, weight / centimeters gained/lost, books read, projects made, etc).
And all of that in 1 book. But maybe she is a little Autistic too, and doesn’t like change either. I can relate to that 😉 lol

So, after all this, we talked about several other things. I won’t write it all down. But one thing I hate about therapists, is that they change their mind within weeks. Sometimes just 1 week. What they call “white” today, is “black” next week. Know what I mean?
First I wasn’t supposed to do exercise (although on my list were only 10 daily squats – I was still building up to more). And yesterday she said I should go for daily walks in the evening. Well, no. I’m not going to do that. Because I don’t like outside, and I like inside. PLUS not even 2 weeks ago, a little down our street, there were 2 guys fighting. And 1 stabbed the other, and the other had a taser and used that on the first guy! And only around 10 at night!!! So, no, thank you, I’m not going out for a walk at 9 in the evening. It’s just Not the neighbourhood to do so.
But she still thought I should stop everything else I was doing at 9 in the evening (So not reading, no knitting, no tv, no nothing!). So I asked what I was supposed to do then (as I wasn’t going out for that walk). I was just supposed to go to bed…. at 9… I looked at her, and said.. “I am Not going to bed at 9..!” I used to be a nightowl. But since I got older, that doesn’t really agree with me anymore (staying up till 2 or 3 at night). So the past few years it used to be around midnight. And recently I try to go to bed even earlier, and get up earlier. 22:30 (10:30) to bed, and 7:15 up in the morning. But I’m usually awake earlier, because my husband’s alarm goes off at 6:15 / 6:30.
And going to bed at 22:30 is difficult enough for me. Because I struggle falling asleep. I’m still so awake at that time. But she said I should go at 9, and then at least my body would rest and relax. I said I seriously doubt that, because I sleep so awful (Lay awake, wake up often, etc), I’d lay awake for hooouuurs, and it would put me in the most foul mood possible. I hate laying awake in bed. So, No. Not gonna happen. Just the idea is so ABSURD! I can’t handle it. It’s just insane. Going to bed at 9.. *mumble grumble*

Another thing. A few weeks ago, they said “No meds!”. They (and I too) wanted to try other ways first. But now she suggested I should go talk to the psychiatrist, for special ADHD medication, or something else to help me sleep… *blinks* So, first meds are completely off the table, and now they are thrown into my lap. And not just any meds. No, ADHD meds (think Ritalin, etc). They really change their minds super often. It’s quite confusing, and hard to keep up with.
And now I’m scheduled to see my psychiatrist this Thursday to talk about meds *shrugs and throws hands up*.
We’ll just have to wait and see!

Knitting / crocheting :

So, to keep the chatter to a minimum for the rest of my post, I will just share some project updates.

Ongoing projects :

Yeah, my jumper… still… haha. I’m a bit further than on this picture. But this was the last picture I took. I got another 3 centimeter to go I think, before shaping the neck and creating shoulders.

A baby blanket I am working on (not for me, I’m childfree) :

A scarf I was working on last winter. I am much further along than on this picture. Because it’s much wider, and I’m already decreasing :

And my neat ripple blanket. It’s for a 2 person bed (160 x 200), so it will take a while ;-D
I really love this colour combination ❤

Projects I finished this week!

Another dishcloth

And I made a scarf (loom knitting), and a hat (regular knitting). I hope to knit a matching pair of mittens to go with it. I’ve never made mittens before. So I’m very excited about that. I hope it’s not too difficult. / And the hat still needs a pompom on top!
So, here’s a picture of those, and of me, at the same time. Hi *waves* 😉

So, I will leave it at this, this week. I really hope to have my mittens AND that back part of my jumper (you are my Everest! *shakes fist* xD) done, when I post next week!

Thanks for reading! I hope you’re all doing well, and I wish you all a lovely week! ❤

Friendship and some other struggles

Therapy :

So therapy was alright. Not much going on there. I have to stick to my schedule, and make sure that after busy days, I don’t have anything more to do than my regular schedule. (Sounds simple, buuuuut it isn’t 😉 )

Decluttering / routine / schedule :

I had fallen ill, sort of, last week. So sadly I haven’t been able to get any more decluttering done. At the moment I’m happy if I can just get my routine /schedule done.
I must say, I’m doing quite well this week. I’m late again with my blog though.
Monday was another crazy day, so I decided to make Tuesday my blog day. (And then I didn’t feel like writing yesterday, lol).
Today I did a big cleaning job : the shower. It was a nightmare, and we also got mold, that had to be taken care of. It’s not completely gone, but it’s looking much better already.
I just wish I could get that awful cleaner smell out of my nose and off of my hands.
And this afternoon I will write a letter to one of my penpals, and hopefully knit some more.

Knitting :

Last Saturday I was able to get 10 rows done on my jumper. The back part is so very nearly done now. And what do I do? What I always do,.. Look for a new project! ARGH! I just hate this so much about mysef. But, they are small and easy projects.
I finally made my first dishcloth yesterday. (Not my pattern / available on Ravelry).

It’s so super cute! And I enjoyed it so much, I immediately started on a second one, haha.
This one will be washed today, so it can be used tonight when doing dishes. I’m very excited to find out if they work out better for us than the regular sponges we use. They hardly last 2 weeks!
I’m all for durable items. I’ve also made swiffer covers, and they work great! I enjoy them very much, and have it on my to-do list to crochet 1 or 2 more.
And just a few weeks ago, I made this market tote, for my fruit and veggies.

So hopefully I can finish that second dishcloth today, and get that back part of my jumper done some time this week, so I can start on the front ^_^

Friendship / Autism :

I’ve also been looking into making new friends. There is a Dutch website (VriendinnenOnline), which kind of works like a simple version of a datingwebsite. You make a profile, add a few pictures, write something about yourself and what you’re looking for, and then go browse for people.
I didn’t even know this website existed, even though I have looked at ways of meeting new people very often in the past.
I always struggled making friends, even as a child, and I’m not sure why. I’m chatty, and like a whole lot of things. But I do struggle with people I have nothing in common with. But I’m sure there are more people who like to take a walk in nature, do photography, or knitting/crocheting/sewing, or watching certain TV shows / movies.. But for some reason, meeting people is very hard. And becoming real friends and keeping them in my life even harder. And I really wish I knew why.
So I thought I was probably one of the few people struggling with this, especially due to my Autism, when I just came across this website. And then it turns out, there are so many women on there, looking for friends!
So all of a sudden, I’m not that weird anymore, or alone in this, and not the only one that struggles. Apparently a massive group of people struggle to make friends, so I couldn’t help thinking about why that is.
I think it’s because in this day and age, if you start chatting up someone outside, at the shops, library, the bus, the train, you name it, you get looked at like you’re a crazy person! People take offense, ignore you, you get a dirty look. If you’re lucky you get a (friendly) reply. People are swallowed up in their own business, and more often than not, their phone. People rush from A to B, and want to be left alone in the mean time.
I can’t help but wonder how people used to do that before the smartphone, before internet. How did people make friends back then?
How did people make friends a 100+ years ago?
And at these moments, I find myself longing again to a time long gone, that just seemed better somehow.
I did meet 2 people on this website, so far. But oddly enough, the person that lives close by and, as it turns out, also has Autism, isn’t replying anymore. (Again, I reread my message at least twice, and I just can’t see what I said wrong?!). [edit] She replied again thankfully, just much later. [/edit]
A girl who is 10 years younger, and lives about 2 hours by train away, does message back and forth with me. She’s very young, but seems very nice, and we get on well so far. I look forward to see where this friendship will go.
But truth be told, I do hope to meet someone a bit closer to home as well. I only have 1 friend, whose also my best friend, and she does live close by. We meet about every other week, and talk on whatsapp every day.
I tried reaching out to an old friend from the past as well. We ended on bad terms, but I’m still not completely sure how or why. It’s about 9 years ago, and all I remember is that she just vanished from my life.
I feel quite sad about that now and again. She was a great friend and we had so much fun. We still seem to enjoy the same things, general speaking. Go to events in costumes, sewing, same TV shows. But sadly I didn’t receive a reply back to my comment.. C’est la vie *shrugs* (:
This is actually why I thought of googling once again and find new friends in other ways, and how I discovered the website.
How do you meet new people? Do you struggle with making friends / keeping friends?
I’m curious to know, so please let me know through the comments ❤

Almost on time this week

Almost! But yesterday was a crazy day.

Therapy :

Therapy is going well. It was my second official session and so far I can get along well with my psychologist, she’s very nice. We’re working on how to maintain a routine, my agenda, prioratize, things like that.
We discussed the study I had taken on earlier this year. A course on criminology. Super interesting, but, it’s a do-it-at-home course, by myself. I get no feedback whatsoever. Long story short, I struggle badly with this. I can’t get myself to get started, and when I do, I fall asleep nearly instantly. For some reason it just ain’t working out. And I feel really bad about it, because it cost quite a bit of money, and it feels like giving up and failing.
Plus I know certain people might share their harsh opinion on the matter. Which won’t help with me feeling any better about the entire situation..
But we talked about the pros and cons, and I did the same with my husband. And just stopping with it altogether is probably the best thing to do for now. Focus on my therapy, my routine, and getting my house in order.
Which brings me to my next point…

Decluttering :

I’ve been on a crazy decluttering hype, or however you want to call it. I started with sorting through my greeting/birthday/christmas cards. I had saved so many, and was able to toss away half of it!
After that came kitchenware, which took up almost all saturday afternoon and a bit of the evening. I had so many stuff related to this, all throughout the house (attic, basement, kitchen obviously, and a little bit in a spare room upstairs). I looked through everything and was able to get rid of 2 boxes, 2 big shopper bags, and I’d asked around with friends and family, and was able to give lots of stuff to 5 people.
I wanted to do clothes next. But like kitchenware, I have clothes all over the house, and I didn’t have the energy to get started on even collecting all that stuff to one room. But it still itched! I wanted to get started on clothes! So I dug into my wardrobe, and looked at each item individually. Some things I knew straight away that they could go, others not. I tried on many things, and came to the conclusion that a lot of it was too small, too short, too tight, too old, too itchy, uncomfortable, didn’t go with any of my other clothes, or I didn’t wear them for another reason. So I had a huge bag filled with clothes in no time, and it felt so good!
I really enjoy this decluttering and I will definitely keep it up.
Last year we already sorted through all our paperwork and,…. I could’ve sworn there was something else.. Maybe my yarn. I did go through all that last year too. I filled a big shopper bag and got rid of that too. Plus 2 more big shoppers with clothing, bedding, shoes, etc.
You’d think I’d soon be done after all I’ve gotten rid of already. But no 😉
I’m a bit of a hoarder (not as bad as you see on TV though, but, I don’t want to let it get that far either), and this clean up is long overdue. And then to think, that several years ago, I also had a massive clear out, and got rid of super many trash bags filled with stuff.
It just doesn’t seem to end. I always find things or get things I “should hold on to, because I might need it some day”… Sounds familiar? Be warned 😉
But I’m not allowed to buy any yarn this year. So I confess straight away, I did, eventually. I made it 4 months, before I caved. But I bought 7 skeins with a project in mind! So, not just random yarn. It has a purpose. But then I also admit I bought 2 without a real purpose, just because they were cute looking *sigh* I actually regret those 2 a little bit.
And just last month I bought 1 skein of sockyarn. (obviously for socks).
But hereby I pledge and vow and swear, that I won’t buy any more yarn this year, unless it is to finish an ongoing project.
I also think twice about every other item I buy these days. I don’t just go : Oh that’s cute, I want it! *buy*
I think about where I’ll put it, if I can place it there with the cats around, will I enjoy having it, or will it get lost in the clutter that’s already there? And 99% of the time I decide not to buy it. So, go me! Hooray!

Vet :

I also went to the vet yesterday. I won’t go into all the details now, as this post is already getting exceedingly long.
But sadly our rescue kitty isn’t doing very well. We already knew she had cancer in her cute little face (in her nose, on her nose, and her ears), but now it’s starting to effect her immunesystem a bit, so it seems. Around her tiny front teeth, her gums look very red and inflamed. And her eye seems to be a little bit more closed, probably due to the cancer pressing on something on the inside. We’d have her operated in a heartbeat if we knew it would help her. But sadly this is probably not even removable, and she is of old age. So we just spoil her, and she gets meds for pain and inflammation.

Knitting :

I didn’t get any knitting done the last few days. I’ve been in pain by tension and stress, and probably from knitting too much already, haha. So I also had to go to my physio therapist yesterday. And now I am so sore, that even though I want to knit and have the time, I probably can’t. I might give it a bit of a go later on, but I’m not sure yet.

And now I will wrap this up, and get back to my other little chores. Such as laundry, and wrap up my mail order packages, that need to be returned.
Hope you’re all having a lovely day ❤

Off to a good start

I wanted to write weekly, and then I disappeared, for several weeks… lol.

So where was I all this time?
Well, shortly after starting the blog, I decided to go offline for a week. My motivations are a bit hard to put into words.
Besides thinking being online all the time is a waste of my time (Not always, but checking timelines every hour really is) I was also struggling with being social so much. I’m quite a recluse I think. I enjoy being around my husband, I enjoy spending time with my friend, I enjoy talking to people online, but most of all I enjoy being on my own with my cats, yarn and TV series I think.

So, recently I had taken up penpalling again. I’m at 7 penpals right now, and I don’t intent adding any more for now. One of my penpals added me on Instagram and we message frequently on there. I also actively use the Habitica app, which also means the chatrooms. So even more socializing.
And I felt like I really missed Twitter, and made a new account. Boy was I wrong! It’s not the Twitter I used to know from 8 years ago. It changed. And I did too. So, even though I met some very nice people there, I will delete my profile. It’s all about news and politics these days. And I care for neither.
And all the socializing on different websites mean more people can contact you on all these places. I also have this interpals account to meet penpals which I will also delete. Because on all these websites, people can message you, and then you have to message back. And it costs so much time and energy.
Well, like I said, it’s hard to explain. Or so it feels for me, anyway.

During my week offline I had the best time though! I started working on and nearly finished a crochet shawl, we went to the Zoo, we booked our holiday, I finished reading a book and got 1/3 in another book, we worked in the garden, and I got all my chores done. Twice! And I didn’t miss internet at all!
The pressure of not having to reply to anyone, not having to check anything, it was lovely.
This is my on again, off again, love / hate relationship with the internet. On one side I want to be part of it too, and these days you also can’t really live without (sadly), but on the other hand I hate it so much. It’s too overwhelming, too time-consuming, etc.
My husband likes to say I have Victorian Standards, and I do. In more ways than 1. And I often feel like I was born (way) too late. Life seems to have been easier back then.
Of course there were struggles. I’m not blind for those things. It was a different time, but still with it’s troubles and problems. And yet they do seem more simple than the struggles we face today. People weren’t bombarded daily with all the drama and troubles going on in the entire world. Local news was a much bigger thing. People knew their neighbours, everything you needed could be found in town. Letters took forever, and you didn’t get Instant messages and emails asking for your attention right now.
Again, I find this hard to explain. But to me, it seems, the people back then just knew their place in life. Knew what was expected of them, what they had to do. I often find myself lost, not knowing my place in life, in an overwhelming world..

This post is taking a very different turn then I intended to go, but sometimes (probably most times) you have to go with the flow.

Anyway. The week after that, I got caught up in a ton of stuff, and this week is no different. I plan to write on Mondays, but time will tell if I can make that happen.
Therapy is starting upcoming monday, messing up my newly created schedule. I will probably have to change a few things, set them to different days. And that’s also why I don’t know if I’ll have the energy to write my blog on Mondays.
About which I also still have conflicting feelings (writing blogs). On the one hand, this is a good way to maybe meet new people with the same issues and we could help each other. It’s a place to vent and get advise. But on the other hand, once on the internet, it’s always on the internet. And like I mentioned before, I’m not that much of a fan of the internet. *shrugs*
Like I said, time will tell.

For now, I thank you for reading ^_^

(Seen as it’s Friday today, I might skip next Monday’s post. Depending on my therapy session).

When and how

On April 23rd I got officially diagnosed with Autism and ADHD. Not at all what I expected to happen when I went to the doctor 1.5 years earlier.
It all started with a depression seeping in, not being able to get my life together, not being able to do simple house chores, chronically tired, bad moodswings, etc.
I had been in therapy off and on before (mostly on), for 10 years. (I was done with therapy december 2011).
I started thinking maybe some old problems were just acting up again. I went to the doctor and got physically tested first. Got a lot of blood work done, and we tried several things to rule out other causes.
I was perfectly healthy, apart from a little Vitamin D deficiency. And we disagreed on my Vitamin B12 levels, which were in the gray area. I took some of those as well.

So as soon as I knew it wasn’t physical, I asked to be send to a psychiatrist for medication, that would help me sleep. I had short nights, woke up so often, and restless sleep. I always woke up feeling exhausted. (Still do). After a while I got some meds to try, but they only worked for about 3 nights.
Then one day the psychiatrist mentioned to me that he thought I might have ADD. And asked if I’d like to be tested for it. Of course I said yes. Because that might give me an answer to life long problems and hopefully some support in the right direction.
After a few weeks I saw him again and he mentioned he put me on the list to be tested for ADD and Autism.
I was a bit gobsmacked. I have always felt like an odd duck, and I can relate quite a lot with Sheldon (Big Bang Theory), but after all those years of therapy, no one Ever said anything about Autism.
I uttered my surprise, but agreed on it. Because what harm could it do. It’s always better to know.

It took several months more before the tests finally started. There were many, and I actually lost count. And somewhere in March I finally had the last one I think.
Like I said at the beginning of this post, on April 23rd I finally got the results. And right now I am still waiting to hear back from them again, on how to continue further. They haven’t assigned a therapist to me yet. So far I have only been placed on a waiting list for Psycho-education on Autism. They told me it will be in groups, and you bring your spouse (or someone else close to you).
And now we wait some more….
The whole process has been going on for 1.5 years now, and I’m sure you can imagine my patience is starting to wear thin.
I want to get on with my life. It has been on hold all this time because I can’t get it together on my own (obviously. Otherwise I wouldn’t have asked for help).
I will keep you posted on how this will continue.

I started a study-course on Criminology in the mean time, which I am starting to regret. It’s a lot harder than I thought to keep motivated and focused. I truly hope I won’t end up not finishing it, because I’d regret wasting that money for the rest of my life. Plus it’s another failure experience to add to a big pile.

Life became a little more clear & organized when I started using the Habitica app on April 30. (So about a month now). It went great the first 3 weeks. The 4th week I struggled with it, and got off course with it. But I’m in week 5 now, trying to get back on track.
I planned my grocery shopping, snailmail, 2 study days, cleaning day, you name it. But I can’t clean everything in just one day. So during the week, when I find myself having some time on my hands, and energy left to burn, I work ahead of schedule and do one of my cleaning tasks in advance.
It also works great for creating habits, like going to bed on time and getting up early. I can really advice it for anyone who struggles with their routine. Useful tip : I did also set some alarms on my phone as noisy reminders 😉

Well, it’s lunch time here, and I’m getting rumbly in my tumbly 😉 lol
And as it is Wednesday, it’s Actually snailmail day. So I better get started on those letters after lunch ^_^
Have a lovely day everyone.

[edit] Just a little over 2 hours after posting this, I got a phonecall. They assigned a therapist to me, and I’ll get a phonecall soon to make an appointment with her and my psychiatrist! Hooraaaay! Progress! [/edit]